Surviving Cancer

So, it's Today, and I figure, better to do this for no reason, than for a cliche.

Chicken Soup (apparently for the soul), check
Pecan Pie (guilty pleasure comfort food), check
Raspberry Tea with Honey (Just because), check
Lewis Taylor's self Title Album (which I have recently declared my favorite album), check
Double shot of Hennessey in a wine glass (for the speed bumps), check
Captain Black's (for the Hennessey), check

I haven't even started yet, and the thought of putting all of this out there has had me choked up for the last couple hours (Thanks Lisa...).

I used to write alot, and often, I stopped a little while ago for fear of what I'm about to do....


(sip - Hennessey, light Captain Black)

Lewis is already on track 2 Bittersweet (why does this album always play my heart)

(sip - Hennessey)

Rebecca "Becky" Allen

Becky and I met almost 10 years ago through a mutual friend of ours who she was dating at the time. Her best friend was dating a best friend of my friend and I, so even outing turned into a double, triple, sometimes octuple dating experience as everyone showed up with someone or something.

That relationship (hers and my friends) was short lived through infidelities, mis-trust and a lack of appreciation (don't even ask me who was guilty of what). However, through the course of it, she came to confide in me and seek my advice on my friend, never in a since of probing for information on his whereabouts and goings on, but genuinely wanting to know how to make it work.

We found alot of common ground between us, and thus began an historic and lifefilled friendship that included moments of intimate closeness that are rare company of the greatest moments of my life.

(sip - Hennessey), (puff, puff, blow a smoke ring, for the hell of it)

We got really close in the years and wanted to be alot closer. There was always a reason to wait, a better time. Don't even get me started on time and how well we waste it, un-appreciative of its fleeting nature and unpredictable temperment.

The closest being when in the midst of a passionate moment that she wanted to escalate, I challenged "I can't be your booty call, I need a relationship if we are to do this". To which she replied, "Ok, you got it". I quickly retorted, "I can't be your boyfriend, there is no more getting to know between us, if you want me, you'll have to propose". Without skipping a heart beat she replied, "Marry me." I'd like to say that my yes took as long as her proposal, but it came out so fast that she didn't hear it at first.

Arguably one of the best 30 days of my life, yes, i said 30 days. She recanted her proposal later based on fears that I wouldn't be motivated to stay. Not realizing that the only thing that i would change about her was her last name and living arrangements.

We went back to usual positions on the sidelines of each others lives. Then the day came, she called me to have one of hundred of coffee dates. "I'm sick, it's called PCOS, it's not cancer, but it could become it". I cried inside while trying to look strong for her. "We'll beat this shit, we are stronger than that" I told her.

A short while later she left Jeff, her on again and off again whom she was with before and after our proposal moment. We started seeing more of each other, a couple times a month turned to every Tuesday for the night.

Tuesday October 30, 2007. She arrived as usual, we went out for a short drive, retired to my place, ate talked, watched some TV and then just chilled. It was in those moments that I realized that I was "home". In her arms, in her presence, in her love, I was finally "home". I felt myself release all tension and just let go. No cares, concerns, fears, thoughts. In that moment, the world had become right. I told her I wanted forever, she agreed. Prior to that we had been thinking about moving into a house, and making a go at it, but that was just picking up where we should have been. This was different, this was the understanding filling the moment with the truth.

(sip - Hennessey)
(tea is cold again, do a dare get up, it looks fine sitting there, I'll cross that bridge when the Henney is gone)

The next morning was school for me, home for her, Halloween for the kids. Friday was the awards show for the radio station, I was the DJ for the event. The Wax Jungle was nominated for an award. She's coming back to be there for me.

Thursday, her sister went into labor.

Friday morning we talked, the baby is out and Healthy, she's exhausted, going to go walk the dog and then rest and try to make it back for the show.

Friday night:

paging, calling, no answer, the show is about to start.

show is halfway through, still no answer, hoping that she's getting her rest.

"we've won the award!!! I hope your okay, I'm starting to worry"

"The shows over, heading home, still no word, it's getting late, worrying more"

3am Sunday morning, my phone rings it's her best friend Danielle: "Are you sitting down?". Why do people preface bad news with "Are you sitting down", don't they know by now that when you say that the absolute worse things run through the other person's mind.

"We've lost her", "She went to sleep Friday, and didn't wake up"

Lewis is on track 10 Spirit (go figure, better yet, go buy it)

I'd like to describe for you the next couple hours of my life, but with the blacking out, hysterical crying, passing out in the middle of the sidewalk while I tried to walk just for the sake of getting out of apartment and clutching the pillow she last lay her head on while I sat on my balcony rocking back and forth, it's really a blur. What i wrote is about all i remember of the 12 hours that followed.

(taking a break, Henney is done, brb)

(refilled, tea is still cold, oops, knew I forgot something, guess it's ice tea now)

The PCOS had become cancerous, somewhere between the PCOS, the Cancer, the Meds and her fight, her body gave in.

I hate funerals

I went to her place of internment on Nov.1 2008, I was too late, the gates where locked. What would she expect me to do?

Short gates....

I love you.

Sabrina Winsor

I met Sabrina ten years ago at the Phoenix Concert Hall, on a sunday during the legendary Planet Vibe Party. She was a friend of my best friend Howard (who introduced me to Becky later, no correlation). She was dating someone at the time, and soon left him. I pitched the idea of hooking up, but she smiled it off. She had already set her sights and if you know Sabrina, then you know that it was a done deal with her. She wanted, therefore she got, her only compromise was "when", not "if".

Love that about her.

We were friends, that was cool, we ran in the same circle, and would party (not quite like rockstars, but it got there a couple times).

Then began the "Reds" era. While was tolerable at times, his treatment of her left me astounded. Between the control and verbal abuse, I reached my boiling point all too soon and pulled her aside for a talk. She assured me that she gave as good as she got and that it was all a show in public for him. He was a P*ssy behind closed doors and knew his place. I hoped so, because the show was pretty convincing.

We orbited each other until she decided that she was going to move to Fort McMurray. I thought about going with them but didn't want to impose on her family. I was hoping the bastard would go so that I could get in with his people up there and create a base for myself. I knew that he had no intention of and didn't have the heart to tell her. I was kinda hoping that he'd grow a set and do it, again, hoping.

She went, he stayed. He dumped her when she got there, she called me, I told her to stay put, he's not worth it. She came back anyhow (see above about Sabrina and when her minds made up). It was futile, she returned. We stayed in touch.

June 2008, while chatting on facebook and planning the summer. She promised a return, I expressed my excitement. Somehow the fireworks started, she was ready to affirm herself as a single woman and I was ready to oblige. I couldn't help but remind her that I had pitched myself to her some 10 years before and she was already set on a course of action. One of us made a comment about making for lost time. I didn't care about the last 5 years, or the 5 before, it was going to be year one, minute one from the moment she landed in Toronto. Then July came and I got the call. I've been diagnosed with Cancer. I affectionately said "so", just tell me that your still coming, we'll get over this cancer this right quick. I knew that she wanted to live, and she always gets what she wants.

We didn't have our August, but she came in September. I still remember the Thursday at Hoops, getting ready for karaoke. She walked in with Mandy & co in tow. It was seeing Sabrina for the first time all over again. No Reds, no stress, just pure un-adulterated beauty and spirit. I hugged her as tight as I've ever and almost feared hurting her. I kissed her and told her that I missed her and loved her and meant it more than I realized.

We sang to each other that night:

Sabrina: Alicia Keys - No One
Me: D'Angelo - Lady
Sabrina: Any Man of Mine
Me: Fabolous - Can't Let You Go

It was corny, and sweet all rolled up in one. You could feel the chemisty between us from across the street. I became her champion, and she became my motivation and biggest fan. More karaoke nights, a club outing, a trip to the falls or two, an lot of long walks and talks and just most of all love. The most giving love that two can have.

She went back to Fort McMurray, she had to, her family needed her, her son needed her more, and I understood that and felt guilty about the time that I had taken with her, because they deserved some of that time as well. I wish I could have followed.

December 2, 2008

Natalie (Sabrina's sister and I), have been in near constant contact since she went back, updates, updates, and more updates. She's in the hospital, she's out, she's back in, she's out on a day pass, she's back, she's having a good day, she's feeling weak. Between her and Sabrina, every minute of every day had more news. I was work, at my desk, desperately trying to do my job, and then the message came:

"We've lost her, she went to sleep and didn't wake up"

(sip - Hennessey)

The question I get is "Why?", knowing that she was sick, why invest, why fall in love, why stay so close? Was it hope, was it sympathy? Was it an attempt to get attention for going through this again? Why?

The answer is easier than the question.

I love her before, during, and after the cancer and will continue to for as long as I am.

Cancer is only as strong as we give it power, I've had a tumor on my left tri-cep for about 5 years. For me, it may as well be a pimple, my doctor says it's harmless and cosmetic. I keep it as a reminder of how strong we are as people.

In life and death with Cancer, it's love the is of the most concern. It transcends life, death, cancer, obsticle, earthly existence and just is.

Love first, worry if you choose to, later....